I wrote before about changing my first name when I got divorced. This is a sequel to that post.
Lorelei of old had power. Sailors feared her song. They knew they might lose control, because she had it. She had the power to dash them upon her rock. I died and rose anew, named Lorelei. I took my power back. And yet…
I had a dream the other night that I saw my old self. My beaten-down, passive self. Her eyes were glazed and her shoulders were slumped. She was barely even there. I saw her, and knew she still lives inside me.
Can both be true? Can I have completely remade myself into a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself, with a zest for life, while still harboring that tired, sad soul inside of me?
I wrote the previous line two days ago, and didn’t know how to continue. I started wondering what I was even trying to say, started doubting my ability to write a coherent piece, started doubting whether I would ever really be as strong and confident as I would like to be. As I’ve said before, healing isn’t linear.
Having given it some thought, the answer to my question is yes. After all, it’s not like I vaporized my past self. And people are complicated. We contain multitudes. It is natural to ebb and flow, for some traits to fluctuate in how dominant they are in us.
Obviously it’s been too long since I listened to Megan Thee Stallion’s Anxiety. Bad bitches have bad days, too.
I can have days where I feel weak, overly passive, and weepy. And I can come back from being that way, back to my new resting point.
How do I do that? What helps me bounce back to where I want to be?
It helps to know that feelings are temporary. It’s natural to feel sad, tired, or weak at times. There’s no cause for concern that I feel that way sometimes. The only reason I should worry about it is if I’m feeling that way most of the time. That would indicate something was wrong. But that’s not the case for me anymore. By and large, I feel joyful and strong. I feel at peace with myself. So when I have breaks from that, I should rest in the knowledge that they’ll be temporary. I don’t have to get anxious about it.
I also don’t have to beat myself up about it. I still have moments of being hard on myself, but for the most part I’ve stopped talking to myself that way. I’ve learned that being kind to myself is the key to loving myself, so I’m not giving up on that any time soon. Besides, beating yourself up for acting a certain way only (ironically) reinforces that that is how you act, which makes you more likely to act that way, which eventually ingrains that behavior into habit.
It also helps to have a “Positive Self Image” playlist, which includes songs like Anxiety on it. 🙂I have found that whatever mindset I want to cultivate, it’s helpful to have a playlist that concentrates on that. Not feeling lovey dovey enough toward my partner? Listen to my Love playlist. Exercising? Listen to my “Pump Up” playlist. The “Positive Self Image” playlist definitely gets the most time blasting in my car, though.
I am Lorelei, and I sing words of power.
<3