Healing Isn't Linear
Root 9 - The dividing line between unstable and stable isn't as clear as I'd like.
In case after the last few posts anyone was under the faulty assumption that I have everything figured out…I do not.
A few posts ago, I wrote about how clear the dividing line is between Part 1 and Part 2 of my life. I made a bunch of statements like “that’s not how I talk to myself anymore” and “when someone is upset with me, I am okay within myself” and that I no longer use watching TV to numb my pain. In between writing and releasing that post, something happened that caused me to reread my words in a new context. I realized that, while the post was mostly true, if I think about it in the context of my relationship with my kids, it’s complete bull. I still blame myself for love lost between us. I am not okay when they say mean things about me. I veg out watching TV in order to stop worrying about how things are going with them.
Thankfully, I recently read one of those be-kind-to-yourself quotes that make me tear up. It was perfect for this situation.
“It’s okay if you thought you were over it but it hits you all over again. It’s okay to fall apart even after you thought you had it under control. You are not weak. Healing is messy ... Be gentle with yourself.” - Unknown
I don’t need the dividing line between my Part 1 and Part 2 to be perfect. Sometimes it’s okay not to be okay.
Still, I would prefer not to spiral anytime things aren’t perfect with my kids. Things will never be perfect. So, as I do here in my Part 2, I engaged in some self-reflection and tried to get at the root of the thing. Why is it that there’s this asterisk to all those statements? An addendum at the bottom reading *Except when it comes to my kids.
And the answer is simple. My kids are the main holdover from my Part 1 because they are the main holdover from my Part 1. Let me explain. I barely talk to my ex anymore. Most of the friends we had together sided with him. The one friend that I trusted not to side with him moved away. Right after we split I graduated college and got a new job. Before the split I had barely been speaking to my own family (for the answer to Why? see Finding Harmony After Cognitive Dissonance). So there are literally only two people large in my mind from my Part 1 who are still around here in my Part 2. My two kids.
Something that I’ve realized about myself since the split is that one of my major coping mechanisms is compartmentalization. If something is too painful or too stressful to think about, I shut a door on it. I let it cool its heels while I get on with things, and I might open that door later when I have the capacity to process it. Letting my kids go back to my ex during his time is painful, so I compartmentalize my thoughts about them. While they’re gone, I’m well and fully my Part 2 self. But when they’re with me, I open that door again, and some of my trauma and my old habits come out as well. I’m less purely my new self. And my experiences while I was with them in Part 1 have conditioned me to react differently when they are involved than when it’s anyone else.
Okay, so. I’ve recognized I’m not as stable and confident when my kids are around than otherwise. I’ve identified why that is. That leaves me with: what can I do about this? Maybe it would help to add another quote that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about:
“Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story, and walk your way to a different ending.” - Vienna Pharaon
When I first saw this, I had the dual reaction of offense and worry. Offended me said, “How the heck am I supposed to get triggered and still be okay? You don’t know how crippling it is.” Worried me said, “Have I just been getting better at hiding from my trauma? I thought I was doing a good job healing, but maybe I’m just fooling myself.”
If I can clear away the ego and the guilt, I can see this quote as the challenge that it is. Here is the way forward: learn to be okay even when confronted with things that used to break me. I do not winge and explain myself to others in order to make them happy with me after they express displeasure. Why should I do so with my kids? It’s a fine line to walk since I’m in the position that I should be teaching them things. However, teaching them about the importance of boundaries shouldn’t slide into desperately excusing the boundaries I set.
By now the separation was over two and a half years ago. I’ve had plenty of practice learning how to be at peace within myself. My task now is to apply that practice to the one holdover area from my Part 1. I need to remind myself that it’s okay for my kids to be grumpy with me. That I should be the one steering the ship. That I have the power to say No.
Recognizing that I’m not there yet need not be an occasion to despair. I can instead view it as a wonderful opportunity to continue bettering myself. I have reveled in the amount of self-growth I’ve achieved so far. Rather than looking on this as a setback, I can continue to grow and to rejoice in my growth.
What room for growth is there in your life? Any hobbies you’d like to devote more time to? Any people you’d like to behave differently around? Anything that feels like a sore spot? Feel free to share below. Remember: be gentle with yourself.
Both those quotes are very apt for me and my husband right now. Thanks for sharing them and for writing about a difficult topic.