Say My Name

Root 14 - A comparison between victim mindset and survivor mindset.

More and more, I think it's really important to develop a survivor mindset as opposed to a victim mindset. Victims are met with challenges and made the weaker for it. Survivors are met with challenges and made the stronger.

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I used to have a victim mindset. While I was with my ex I was disengaged, defensive, depressed. I felt like a victim in relation to him as well as in relation to anyone or anything else that triggered feelings of helplessness. Car mechanic charged more than I expected? Woe is me. Roommate never paid their last month’s share? Woe is me. Boss stole my tips? Woe is me.

They screwed me, they screwed me, they screwed me.

This was my mantra through life—that other people were taking advantage of me and wrecking my life, and I had to be on guard at all times in order to protect myself. That even on my guard, I’d probably be powerless to stop it. People would ruin my life however they could.

With my ex, I had to toe the line. If I asked him to rethink the snap punishments he’d dole out to the kids, in front of the kids, I was in for it. If I didn’t do the dishes when he wanted, he’d be furious. If I didn’t want to be “romantic” when he wanted, I was failing in my role as his wife. I don’t know how many hundreds or thousands of times I heard him say “Laura” in a threatening tone of voice. I know it cowed me every time.

Photo by Christian Gustafson on Unsplash

Near the end of 2019 I decided I wanted to take care of myself, for real. I didn’t want to say “woe is me” or “they screwed me” and throw up my hands and give up. I wanted to believe in myself, and be okay within myself. And I didn’t want to be cowed anymore.

This constituted a radical shift in the way I thought. I had to do a lot of mental work to achieve this shift. One of the ways I did this was both simple and complex. I changed my name.

With divorce you get a name change. My assumption is most women revert their last name to their maiden name, and leave the rest alone. But I wanted to really redefine myself. I wanted a clean break between who I was and who I’d become. Still, I knew changing my first name would be hard on the people who’d known me before the divorce. Going from Laura to Persephone, for example, would probably be quite confusing. I wanted a similar sounding name, to make this transition easier.

I considered Laurena, Larissa, Lauretta. Someone suggested Laraina, but I couldn’t imagine going through life being reminded of Quiche Lorraine every time someone addressed me. I’d recently run a DNA test and found out I had a lot of German in me. What about a related name that was German in origin? I found the name Lorelei. A German myth about a woman who was done wrong by her lover, and threw herself from the rock, only to become a beautiful siren whose haunting looks and song drew men to their doom. A woman who was hurt, and from that hurt, gained power. Gained a voice.

This was the name I chose for myself. A name that embodied the kind of transformation that I aspired to. A name of growth and change.

I’ve figured out why it bothers me when the rare few people still use my old name. I named my victim mindset self Laura, and my survivor mindset self Lorelei. Laura was the naive girl who started dating a man halfway through high school. Laura was the one who cut everyone she knew out of her life at her husband’s behest. Laura followed him all around the country on loans and fumes. Lorelei stood up for herself and got out.

I chose a new name for myself and started going by it all with the goal of reinvention and self improvement. By renaming myself, I allowed myself to step out of self-doubt and into self-confidence. I won’t let anyone ruin my life by doing me wrong anymore. I know I can come back from even the bleakest, darkest place and thrive.

Say my name. Call me Lorelei.

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Is there anything you've overcome in life? Feel free to share below.