I wrote previously about waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I didn’t talk about was the inverse. Waiting for things to get better. Waiting to be happy. Because that’s another less-than-ideal behavior that the less-than-happy engage in. I caught myself at it recently, and I’m here to tell you that I figured out how to stop.
For the past few years, I have been going through extreme emotional growth. At the same time, I have been suffering extreme emotional pain. There has been a lot of conflict between my ex and I, and my kids have been repeatedly put in the middle of it. My kids have been increasingly rejecting me, my love, and my influence. It has at times felt like more than I could bear. But I have borne it. I have not broken.
That said, coping mechanisms are often problematic. One coping mechanism I relied on a lot for most of my life was hoping for a future that was better than my present. Wishing for some joy tomorrow to make up for today’s woes. People think of escapism as taking the form of reading, or playing video games. While it’s true that those are easy paths into tuning out the pains of the present, dreaming of a happy future is living in fantasy. It is a harder-to-notice escapism, because everyone plans for and thinks about their future. But if the only thing I can find to be happy about is something I think might happen, and not today, then I am not living in reality.
This habit was also exploitable. If a person looks to the future to bring them joy, then if someone wants something out of them, all they have to do is say things will get better. Promises can be completely empty, because there’s always more promises to be made to replace them. You would think that the dreamer would catch on, but they are used to never having the thing, and always wishing for it. They can be strung along for years in this way. Just a few more months and… just another year and… just a few more years and… But the “and” never came, it was only months and years of waiting. Because of this, I have tried to quit this habit.
One thing I’ve been making a practice of is leaning into whatever I’m feeling rather than denying it or trying to escape it. If I feel sad, that’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad when sad things happen. Being sad in and of itself doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Rejecting and attempting to deny the sadness leads to a lot more suffering than the sadness itself does.
I had a recent experience that sent me reeling. But even as I was reeling, even as I lost interest in the things that normally brought me joy, I thought “that’s okay.” It’s okay to really feel a loss, a pain, and to be hurt. It’s okay to wallow a little. I did not console myself with all the happy tomorrows I could dream up. I just let myself sit with the pain of the present. The thing I wasn’t expecting was how right it felt to do that. It felt like the most well-adjusted reaction I could have had. And after a few days, I slowly, without rushing myself, came out of it. I still carry the sorrow, but it does not consume me.
I was challenged recently to figure out how to be happy, despite the sad thing happening in my life. My first thought was, I know that this conflict between my ex and I has a solid end date, and I know that I will be truly free and happy once that day comes. But I instantly rejected trying to find solace in that. I don’t want my happiness to come from hopes and dreams about the future. That is the escapist route. A promise to myself, that may or may not turn out how I think it will. So I kept thinking.
Upon reflection, I realized I’d already found the answer to this previously. Brains are tricky, and they’ll forget even important and obvious things if they get distracted. I have discovered and rediscovered and deepened my conviction of the following multiple times since I found it to be true: I can be happy simply because I love myself.
I spent most of my life hating myself, at odds with myself, full of conflict. But since I found my way out of that, since I began to love myself, the conflict within me has ceased. All is well within me. I have achieved inner peace. I can always look inside and tap back into this peace I have created for myself, within myself.
I have often thought this feels like a superpower. It feels like I’ve found a cheat code for the game of life. No matter what happens external to my inner self, I can be joyful. No amount of hardship or hatred that comes from without can kill or even touch this inner well of love inside of me. I am always with me, and I love myself, therefore, I am whole.
Inside Out was a truly great movie, in part because it visually represented the concept of containing mixed emotions. A sad thing is happening in my life, yes, and I am sad. But I am at peace with myself, and so, simultaneously, I am happy.
In what ways do you find happiness? Feel free to share in the comments below.
It’s okay to feel sad when sad things happen. << This is something I've been telling hubby lately as we process his dad's death.