I mentioned in my post about optimism that I would be getting married this year. Well, the time has come. In just a few day’s time, I will be married to the best person I’ve ever met. And even though I’ve been married before—even though being married before was horrible and painful, and getting divorced was horrible and painful—I’m not worried. I know that we are going to be good to one another, and that we’ll have a happy life.
There’s a quote by H Jackson Brown Jr that will be read at the ceremony. “Always remember that a good marriage contains two things: firstly to find the right person and secondly to be the right person.”
A lot of people become bitter about romance when relationship after relationship they’re a part of becomes toxic and dies. “I must have a type,” they say, “crazy.” Many who have been married and gotten divorced become bitter about marriage. As someone in my life told me the other week, “You shouldn’t get married. I’m 0 for 2 on marriage.” My parents warned me when I began to date again. A lot of people who were wronged by their ex and got divorced end up getting together with someone who’s just like their ex when they remarry. They cautioned me to find the right person, this time. But I think that’s only half the story.
If every relationship goes the same way, it probably has something to do with the common denominator. The person who is in each of them.
I think part of why I’m not worried about getting married again, why I’m not worried about getting stifled and angry and eventually divorced again, is because I know I am such a different person than I was then. As I’ve said before, my whole life changed when I began to love myself. Loving myself started a chain of shifts in me that led me to reject being manipulated, to become an optimist, and to learn to move through the “freeze” state. I have gone through an enormous state of flux, and I am no longer the person that I used to be. I am confident. I am not willing to suffer crappy treatment in silence. I am finding beauty and joy in my life.
None of those things were true of me before, and so I contributed to creating the dumpster fire of a relationship that my marriage was. Now that these things are true of me, I know I will do my part to contribute to a healthy, happy marriage.
And yes, I did find the right person this time. Someone kind, empathetic, creative, motivated, passionate, dedicated to self-improvement, and supportive. Someone who inspires me to be a better, stronger, truer version of myself. Someone who sees me. There’s really nothing more I could ask of in a person.
The hope I feel right now is not the desperate hope I’ve felt many times before, the keening yearning for something that might very well never be. The hope I feel right now is a slow, deep hope. A hope that makes me think of the phrase “still water run deep.” I can relax in this kind of hope. And if anxiety-ridden me can relax, that’s saying something.
Next time I write to you, reader, I will be married.
I wish each and every one of you joy in your own lives!
Beautiful!
:)