The Importance of Self-Love
Root 7 - The marked difference self-love has made in my life.
I was talking to a dear friend the other day. She had done something she regretted, and her partner was upset with her. While she spoke, I was struck by the cracking in her voice. She sounded defeated in a way that I recognized. It was almost as if I could hear her inner dialogue, saying, Of course I did this thing I shouldn’t have, and now I’m not receiving the love and validation I need from outside myself.
That’s what I heard, because that’s what I told myself so many thousands of times over the course of my life. But that’s not how I talk to myself anymore. In the story of my life, there’s a clear dividing line between Part 1 and Part 2. There’s what came before I started loving myself, and what came after. The change has been so deep and so complete that sometimes, I myself struggle to understand what I was thinking before the change. But sometimes I witness someone else having experiences that remind me, and all I want to do is pull them over the line from their Part 1 to their Part 2. Because here on the other side is a peace and a joy I could never have fathomed before. I want so much to share that peace and joy with others. That’s part of why I started this newsletter. Maybe somewhere along the way I can put enough words out there to convince others to love themselves the way I’ve learned to love myself. I will reserve the path that I took, from self-loathing to self-love, for another post. For now, I want to paint in stark colors the difference that self-love has made in my own life.
I don’t know if other people have phrases that echo in their mind from the time they hear it through their whole lives. This happens to me. Various truisms and words of advice come back to me over and over, like waves lapping over the tops of my thoughts. Whenever I’m driving around dusk in a forest, I think “If a deer is getting out of the road ahead, still slow down. There’s probably another one behind it.” Whenever I encounter people deciding to break free from an exploitative system, I think “the ones who walk away from Omelas.” And for the majority of my life, I was haunted by the phrase “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
I had no problem with loving my neighbor; that was easy. But this phrase, this directive, implied I was supposed to love myself. And every time I thought of this, I wondered, How? I felt guilty that I couldn’t, but I had no idea how to start. For as long as I could remember, I couldn’t stand myself. The word loneliness conjured a howl and an emptiness that threatened to break me. My own presence was not enough. I needed someone else to feel whole.
One of the ways this manifested is that anytime someone was upset with me, I was devastated. Even hearing my name in a warning tone of voice sent me spiraling. What have I done? Please don’t be mad at me. Please don’t hate me. I would apologize for almost anything, even if I didn’t fully understand the accusation, because I so desperately needed to please those around me. I bowed and scraped and was miserable until I’d righted the supposed wrong.
To avoid displeasing anyone, I let them walk all over me. There’s a lot of talk about boundaries these days, and I think that’s great. Back then, I had none. I would go to great lengths to accommodate anything that was asked of me, even if the logistics were absurd. I stretched myself thinner and thinner, all in the effort to be of use, and so to earn the love of those I served. One of the most major ramifications of this was that I never made any major life decisions for myself. I moved when and where I was asked to, got a job when I was asked to, went back to school when I was asked to. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself, because honestly, I didn’t want to be with myself. This left me directionless.
I was often numb, and when I wasn’t numb I was usually depressed. It is painful to despise yourself, and no outside love can really make up for it. I sure tried, though. I went through various pets, and now it’s clear that on some level I was looking for unconditional love that would help ease the pain of my own self-hatred. It never worked.
When I couldn’t get attention from someone else, I would engage in escapism. I read, wrote, and watched TV with the motivation of ignoring the pain of only having my own company. Near the end of my marriage, I started engaging in escapism almost all the time. I wasn’t enjoying my own company and I wasn’t enjoying my husband’s. I started to shut down more and more. I stopped being able to write, so my escapism became more about television and less about creativity. I became a wisp of myself.
Then I started to love myself.
The most instant difference was a sense of relief. After almost thirty years, I had decided to love myself and take care of myself. This sparked a sense of gratitude that’s hard to put into words. I forgave myself how I’d been before, and didn’t hold any anger about all the mistreatment I’d heaped on myself. Because of this self-forgiveness, and because I’d decided to take care of myself, I began to enjoy my own company.
I still read, write, and watch TV, but the motivation has changed. Now I do these things in order to curl up with myself and enjoy the alone time that lets me recharge. I don’t do them to numb out the pain. I’ve also regained my drive to be creative, as my faith in myself grows.
Now when someone is upset with me, I am okay within myself. Sometimes I recognize I could have behaved better and apologize. Sometimes, though, I take a breath, know I was doing my best, and let that person’s upset be their own to manage. I am in charge of my own emotions and reactions, and no one else’s. I do not bow and scrape and feel miserable until the other person feels better, because now I recognize that I don’t deserve to behave like a pathetic servant.
I’m still working on my boundaries, but they’re definitely present in a way they never were before. I have really enjoyed experimenting with saying No. This has given me a newfound sense of power.
The phrase “Love thy neighbor as thyself” is still one of those phrases that echoes in my mind now and again, but now I wouldn’t describe it as haunting me. I enjoy this new state of self-love that I’ve chosen. And now that I love myself, I feel like I can love my neighbor more truly than I ever did before. I’m no longer coming to them as a supplicant–please love me or I will be miserable. I now come to them as an equal–I enjoy you for you. I don’t need you to be okay, but I want you all the same.
Have you ever struggled to love yourself? Please share below any thoughts you’d like to about the importance of self-love. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for this post. It is my favorite root post yet.