I love this song so much.
I used to think that I had the advantage, when I was a pessimist. I would say “An optimist expects things to go well, so when they don’t, they’re disappointed. A pessimist expects things to go poorly, so when they don’t, they’re pleasantly surprised.” I thought I had guarded myself against the letdowns of life, while optimists remained vulnerable to them. But now I think optimism is a huge component in being happy in life.
For one thing, I was blind to how much of an affect my mindset was having on the outcome. Because a lot of the time, what we think will happen has a huge impact on what happens. Anyone who’s aware of The Secret knows the basic premise of what I’m getting at here. Let me be clear: I think The Secret goes way too far in its claims of what you can manifest through sheer willpower. In my opinion, the power of your thoughts is that you act on them, and taking action can change what’s happening in the world. If you are determined to have a good relationship with a coworker, for example, you are much more likely to have that good relationship. You will be kind to them, and interact with them in a way that makes it easy for them to be happy with you. Sure, sometimes you’ll meet a rotten banana who doesn’t value an easy workplace environment. But generally, putting effort into easing tension and fostering friendship will have some amount of payoff.
Back when I was a pessimist, I worked crappy minimum-wage jobs. At the longest of these, I decided I could only tolerate a handful of my coworkers. The others grated on my nerves to even be around. I would look for faults in their actions, because I expected there to be faults. And so the faults were magnified in my mind, and overshadowed the neutrals or positives about them.
This is something Gottman talks about in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He calls it negative sentiment override. Basically, if you think enough negative things about someone (or, I assume, something), it will be difficult to see the positive things about them. Conversely, positive sentiment override is when you are so often happy with someone, the negative things about them barely register. As with all the self-help books I’ve been reading the past few years, I think this principle can be applied much more broadly than the context in which I found it. I think a person can have positive or negative sentiment override about their life in general.
When I was a pessimist, I expected things to go poorly. When things went poorly, those events loomed large in my mind. “See?” I would say to myself. “I knew it.” When things went well, I had no such internal confirmation and validation, because it didn’t align with my expectations. And so, they passed silently like ships in the night. What stuck was the negative, and I was miserable.
Now, I try to expect things to go well. When they do, I rejoice in them. Just like healing isn’t linear, there’s no switch to go from being a pessimist to an optimist. Sometimes still spiral into doubt and despair. Generally speaking, though, I’m much more optimistic than I used to be. Also, I expect that as time goes on, I will become even more optimistic than I am now.
I’m looking forward to this new year. Though it’s true that part of my anticipation is due to milestones that will take place—I’ll be getting married, for one—partly, I’m just excited to be alive. I’m learning to take satisfaction from little things in life, like a good cup of tea, a nice interaction, a catchy song. I let the highlights light up the rest of my life and make it bright. I hope you’re able to do the same.
What’s something you’re looking forward to? Feel free to share in the comments.
"I was blind to how much of an affect my mindset was having on the outcome." 💯💯 I love all your thoughts here, but that sentence is my favorite! Mindset has such an affect on life.