I haven’t written the next scene of Body Swappers yet. Those who are more intimately familiar with what’s going on in my life will understand why. I hope to get back to it at the next scheduled date.
I’ve been reading When Things Fall Apart in order to help me get by, but as I wrote in a Substack Note recently, I don’t always understand eastern teachings. They don’t resonate with me. I’ve actually found better advice in a different self-help book I’ve gotten into, The Whole-Brain Child.
You see, my husband and I are trying, and we want to be really intentional about how we parent our children. I’m only a few chapters in so far, but already this book has told me that children mirror the behavior they see in those they trust, and that mental health can be defined as being fully integrated rather than being overly dominated by one part of the brain over the others. It described what it looked like when a child was being overly dominated by their right brain (throwing a tantrum, illogical complaints), and what it looked like when a child was being overly dominated by their left brain (overly logical, cool despite being extremely hurt). This second one they called “retreating to the left.”
When I read that, a flood of thoughts and experiences from my life ran through me. I see things in terms of logic problems. I compartmentalize in order to cope. But coping isn’t the same as healing. I’ve discovered that I can withstand immense pain and continue on. I can set it aside and accomplish the necessary tasks in my life. Keep working. Keep eating. Keep going.
This is me, I thought. I retreat to the left.
This realization was troublesome on two counts. One, I am clearly not a fully integrated person. Even though I have found a lot more joy and peace in the last few years of my life than I’ve ever had before, I had not yet achieved this definition of mental health. Two, this book says that children mirror the behaviors of those they trust. If I am to move forward with having more children, I don’t want to teach them to be emotionally stunted, retreating-to-the-left people like me. I want them to have good mental health.
While I was talking to a family member yesterday about what’s going on in my life, I maintained my composure, no hint of tears. Watching myself act like this, I commented, “I’m retreating to the left!” I continued on with the task I was working on, feeling ill at ease.
The Whole-Brain Child does end every chapter with self-integration tips for the parents, so that they can be more whole people as they try to help their children be whole people, but these bits are short and perfunctory compared to the tips on how to help your child integrate. What they talked about at length in this chapter was the importance of helping your child tell a story about what happened. The left brain is responsible for words and a sense of time, and the right brain is responsible for supplying the emotions and memory. By having these two work together in telling the story, you forge connections in the brain between the two sides. No wonder I’ve been drawn to writing these personal essays!
I’m not ready to talk about what’s currently going on in my life in a public space, but I knew I had to work on it. So last night I sat and said out loud what was happening, and how I was feeling about it. The tears flowed freely. When I realized my story was incomplete, I went back in time and told it again, more fully. I went more into detail on the causes. More into detail about how I was feeling. I said the story three times over, then sat and sobbed for a minute or two. Then I dried my eyes. I felt like something had shifted inside me.
I’m not saying “I’m all better now.” I don’t think this kind of wound can heal so simply as that. But I have hope that as I repeat this process, I will heal with time.
Is there something in your life that you would like to tell the story about? Feel free to share in the comments below.
Thank you for sharing - so raw, so vulnerable. Thank you for finding a way forward for yourself, your heart and your family, and for the next generation to come. Thank you for gifting us the space to heal too, via your sharing.
This is so interesting! I’ve said for years that I am a “verbal processor,” and all my life, I feel a need to tell a lot of people about something negative that happened. I guess that’s my way of integrating.
I really appreciate how open you are with your story in your blog. You are very brave to put it all out there.