I’m so thankful for the opportunity I’ve had to share my experiences with others. It’s certainly been helpful to me, to speak when before I was silent. I hope my words are also helpful to others who have struggled.
Even though the past few years have been huge in terms of my personal growth, there’s been one pain I’ve kept locked up deep inside, buried, muted, still screaming in a dark, mildewy room. I've mentioned before that I compartmentalize in order to cope. Well, there’s one aspect of my trauma that I haven’t really talked about, even to my closest confidants. I may breeze past it with a completely flat affect. It is a fact about me that I don’t want anyone to think too hard about, because I’m busy not thinking too hard about it. And that is: I am a survivor of sexual abuse.
As far as this newsletter goes, I was telling myself that of course I wasn’t getting too deep into it. My policy while writing this is that, if my kids ever stumble upon these words, I don’t want to have written anything I’d hate for them to read. The phrase “sexual abuse,” the word “touch,” these are abstract things. They don’t paint a very vibrant picture. I wouldn’t get any more in depth than that, because I want to protect them.
But, as seems to be so often the case with me, I’ve discovered that there was another, deeper reason I wasn’t writing about that aspect of my trauma. It was just too painful. I wasn’t ready to face it head-on. Now, though, I want to stop protecting myself from it. I want to really open up.
I read recently that if you’re avoiding getting triggered, you haven’t really healed, you’re coping. True healing is facing things that trigger you, surviving, and moving through them. I don’t want to just cope. I want to really heal. I want to be so strong that nothing can shake me. And that means facing my demons and letting them go.
Substack regularly sends out emails about “how to go paid,” which has caused me to think about what exactly I would offer paid subscribers. At first I thought I could do voiceovers of my regular posts. Reading is free, but listening is paid. For multiple reasons, I have discarded this idea. I genuinely would like to include voiceovers of my posts. I have been really getting into audiobooks over the past few years, and I especially love the ones narrated by their own author. Unfortunately, I have almost no experience with audio recording or editing. Incorporating this will be slow going.
What I’m thinking of now is a separate section. I already have a “Root” section where I talk about my life and experiences, and a “Branch” section where I post fiction that is influenced and inspired by those experiences. What I’m considering now is a “Heartwood” section where I talk about deeply personal experiences, and experiences that I don’t want my kids to be able to accidentally stumble upon. Because of the sensitive nature of the subject matter, it will be completely behind a paywall, without any previews or free trials. I trust you will understand this.
I will continue posting my free posts at least every other week on Thursday, but now I’ll also post a Heartwood post at least every other Tuesday. These will be deep dives into what exactly happened to me. I’ll express myself freely in a way that I won’t anywhere else on the internet. If you’re curious about the details of my story, if you’re in need of some shared catharsis, or simply if you want to support me, you can sign up for my paid newsletter. I’ve set the prices at $5 monthly or $50 yearly, which is the lowest subscription cost Substack supports. Thank you for taking the time to read my regular posts, and thank you for considering supporting me financially as well.
If you have any thoughts about this plan for the future of Root and Branch, please let me know below. Also feel free to comment with any requests for subjects you would like me to cover, that would be meaningful to you.