I always wanted to be a writer

Root 21 - About a comment from my middle school English teacher.

The title is a lie; I actually do remember life before I wanted to be a writer. When I was five I wanted to grow up to be a queen, when I was six I wanted to grow up to be a pop singer, and when I was seven I wanted to grow up to be a cartoon animator (each progressively more within the realm of reason). But after drawing page after page of a cartoon I’d made up to draw, when the stack was several inches high, I thought I ought to write down my story so I could keep track of it. And ever since I’ve wanted to be a writer.

I wrote a significant amount through the rest of elementary school, but I really started being prolific in middle school. I wrote so much that I bruised the second knuckle of my middle finger where the pencil rested. I say rested—the pressure I used while writing was anything but gentle. Whenever I was writing it was like I’d tapped into a live wire of electricity and every piece of me was rigid as I scribbled furiously, trying to capture my thoughts as quickly as they were coming.

Photo by lilartsy on Unsplash

I had a middle school English teacher who was my absolute favorite. She had what was called the Thought Pot: a box where we could anonymously drop pieces of writing we had done that we were proud of and wanted her to read to the class. Every week she would pull a few pieces from the Thought Pot and read them to the class. We weren’t to sign our real name, and if we did she wouldn’t read our name out, but we could use a pen name so that each piece we wrote was related to the other pieces. I don’t remember what my pen name was, but I’m sure I thought it was super clever. I was quite full of myself back then, and thought everything I wrote was inspired.

A long time has passed since then, but my sister ran into this teacher recently. The teacher told her that my pen name got classroom famous, and every week people would ask if I had written anything. They said they wanted to hear what I had to say.

I no longer write like I’m charged with electricity. I no longer think everything I write is inspired. I’ve suffered too many disappointments and criticisms to think I’m better than everyone else at this thing that I love to do. I also generally tend to think I’ve gotten better at writing over time, and that there’s a lot more polish and subtlety to what I write these days.

Hearing that my classmates loved what I wrote didn’t really line up with how I think about my writing anymore. It made me wonder, am I really as good as I always thought I was? Then why was I most famous for my writing in middle school?

I had to remind myself that middle schoolers don’t have as refined taste as adults do. That I have a natural talent for writing, and my pieces were probably comparably better than the competition. But that competition pool was small, and the audience was captive. I haven’t enjoyed as much success since because I’ve been let out from that pool into the whole ocean, and the ocean is deep and vast. I also don’t write as much as I did in middle school. Matching that level of productivity would be hard considering I have a full-time job and a host of other adult responsibilities.

What I keep coming back to is that it’s okay to write more sedately. It’s okay to have a small habit of writing, and consistently make progress. It’s okay to have a small audience, and to not make bank writing. When I was a kid, I didn’t write like I’d tapped into a live wire because I was thinking of the money prospects in my future. I wrote that way because I love writing. I submitted pieces to the Thought Pot because I wanted to share this thing I love doing with others. And I’m doing those things now, here.

Thanks for reading.

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I wanted to take a moment here to say my new favorite Substack is Nicci’s Notes! She also talks about writing, her inner journey, and motherhood. If you’re a fan of those things (which based on your being here, I assume you are), go take a look and consider subscribing!

Have your thoughts about your passions changed over time? If so, how so?