The concept of writing a letter to your future self is pretty common. The concept of what advice you would give your past self is, too. But a letter from your future self to your present? I hadn’t thought of this before. Thank you to Cali Bird over at Gentle Creative for the idea.
Writing a letter to your future self is a fun thing, as an artifact. Something to look back on and think ‘Awww, I thought that? I’d forgotten. How cute.’ I think the only time I’ve done it was for a school assignment once, because I don’t personally tend to be overly sentimental about things like that.
I do get into thinking about what I’d say to my younger self, though. One of my favorite songs over the past few years has been about just that—what encouraging things the present person could tell the past person, and how that could ease the pains of getting through the intervening time. Unfortunately, at least for me, this idea can go to a dark place. I become frustrated that I didn’t make better choices. If I could tweak things here or there in my past, how much better would things have turned out for me? It leads to an unhealthy dwelling.
Talking to the younger self is also a therapy technique. You imagine the present self as a supportive adult, interacting with your inner “wounded child,” who looks just like you did when you were five or eight or whatever. It encourages self-love and care. You give yourself something that you missed out on, and needed, growing up.
But what about the days when you don’t feel like the supportive adult? When things are so hard, and you’re so stressed out, you feel like the wounded child NOW?
The past few weeks I felt like I was crumbling. Like no matter what I did, I couldn’t fix things. I didn’t know what to do. I felt stuck.
And then I read a nice little email in my inbox, from Cali Bird. “What advice would your future self offer for your current challenges?” And I closed my eyes and imagined my older self. Maybe me from my 40’s, as opposed to my 30’s. Past the pains of today, and ready to offer me support. What would she say?
“We were in an impossible situation. For things to have been easier right when you are would have required him to have any desire greater than the desire to continue hurting us. We are not responsible for his utter lack of empathy. It takes two parents thinking about what's best for the kids for that to actually manifest. You can't force him to see what's best for them. All you can do is your best given the circumstances. You can grow to be strong enough. You have always grown to be strong enough when you were certain what was needed of you.”
Unless something unexpected happens, I will have to keep co-parenting with my tormentor for the next seven years. The difficulties are many. Every text I get from him is another degrading message. He tells the kids I don’t love them. He says I only fight for my parenting time to spite him. They are clearly conflicted about what to believe. They live on high alert, and it’s easy to set them off. There’s so much drama that didn’t need to be there. I often don’t know how I can bear to keep doing it. But I am strong enough. So many of the things I do for my kids only make sense to do because I love them. I have to hope that these actions will negate what my ex says they should believe.
Whatever comes, I can handle it. I found the strength to leave. My life is so much richer than it ever was before. And even though that final freedom of never having to speak to him again is years off, it’s also years closer than when I started. I have been strong enough for the current task, have been handling it, for years.
I told myself I was crumbling. Like I had only so much tensile strength before I would break. But really, my strength flows like water from a well. Sometimes the well runs low, and I falter, but it will replenish. I will get through this.
What trial are you facing right now? Imagine your future self, ten or fifteen years older and wiser than you are now. What advice would they have for you? Feel the difference in your confidence knowing that you will get through today.
Thanks for your honesty, Lorelei, and for sharing this thought-provoking exercise. (And, thanks to Cali, too). I think my future self would tell my current self that the more I throw myself into my professional pursuits (writing, teaching, speaking) and the relationships and art that bring me joy, the happier I am. Otherwise, I tend to obsess over conflicts and drama within certain relationships. All that ruminating results in...nothing productive! I know it and am trying to be conscious of it, but this exercise helps give me more perspective!
What an interesting concept, Lorelei. I often hear the advice, "Tell yourself what you would tell your best friend if they were in this same situation?" and I think this is a nice alternate for the same self care and love. Thinking as your future self makes you visualize yourself making it through these current challenges, and that is empowering in itself. Thanks for sharing this!